Thoughtful Thursday: What is your default mode?

Read through this, then be honest with yourself before you answer.

Crucial Conversations says that when a conversation gets hard, people default to one of two failure modes. Silence: you avoid, withdraw, make the problem smaller, pretend it isn't there. Violence: you push harder, escalate, repeat yourself louder, force the outcome you want. Neither one works. Both end the conversation.

Now watch your last training session that went poorly in your head (or better yet, on video) and decide which one you did. We are using the terms from the book, so work with me.

The silence trainer is easy to recognize from the outside and nearly invisible from the inside. This is the trainer who quietly lowers criteria when the dog struggles, adds a little help they hadn’t planned to, and steps in to give the dog the answer. They tell themselves they're “supporting the dog” and “ending on a good note.” Sometimes that's true.

The violence trainer is louder and therefore easier to catch in other people. This is the handler who asks again when the first cue didn’t work, then says it again faster, then louder, absolutely certain that the behavior is in there and just needs to be pushed out. Sometimes that works, depending on the situation. Most of the time it doesn't.

Here is what both trainers have in common: they stopped listening. One checked out quietly. One checked out at volume. But neither is in the training conversation anymore.

And yes, I've done both. I tend to be a silence trainer, and when this happens, I should pull the plug, put the dog up, and revisit my plan.

The good news is that most of us have been both, sometimes in the same session, occasionally within the same five minutes. This isn’t a character flaw. It is a default pattern, and default patterns can be interrupted, but only once you know which one is yours.

So which is it? Do you go quiet, or do you add pressure?

And the harder question: does your dog already know the answer?

Which pattern shows up most in your training, and what does your dog do when it happens?

Be curious.